Beginning to teach Pilates is an experience I would acquit to being adolescent. Not in the hormonal or rebellious way but in a way that begs an answer to the question, ‘Who Am I?’
Now before you make any wise cracks, I’m aware adolescence is not so far in my rear view mirror and therefore perhaps more memorable, painful even. And in terms of teaching I’ve also just recently shed my ‘rookie’ status. So then you could say things are still fresh.
After a few months of teaching private clients, my employer said in passing, ‘You’re a calm teacher; you’re good for stressed people.’ I can tell you calm is not something I felt in those first few months. Surprise in that moment, yes, but before that panic was the main emotion coursing through my veins. The responsibility and the expectation I had in myself and from others’ was thrilling if not a little daunting to be entrusted with so much. Learning how to teach whilst teaching, there was no room for mistakes in private; it was all out in the open and self-doubt ran rampant, throwing things around like, “What could I possibly say that they haven’t already heard? What do I know that’s of value? What do I have to offer? What kind of instructor am I?”
At the risk of sounding neurotic I realised in projecting a sense of calm I was placating myself in a situation where I felt out of my depth. Quite clever really, though it’s not something I can claim credit for since it was instinctive and therefore, most likely unconscious. With the insight of retrospect, it was probably as much for the clients’ sake as it was for mine. But I digress; discovering I was perceived as calm was a revelation and got me thinking about the teaching persona. By definition persona is “the aspect of someone’s character that is presented to or perceived by others”.
So then, as instructors we’re in a position to choose which aspect of our personality we want to tap in to, be it conscious or unconscious. What I’m interested in is whether being a certain type of instructor is just that, an active choice or if it’s the result of a process that develops on its own? Or might it be both? It’s all very confusing.
No doubt finding ones instructor identity is a varied experience. For some I imagine ‘finding’ wouldn’t be the right word to describe it. “Falling” might be more accurate, as in falling in love, or in this case falling into the role without needing to think much about how to get there. This was not my experience. Though somewhat similar to “falling”, “stumbling” requires significantly less grace. It was hard work and it was truly humbling. I did the study and lived through the growing pains and awkwardness of starting out, but in the end it took not caring about how I was perceived to fully embrace my authority as an instructor. I taught what I knew and hoped that it would be enough. You see the thing about being thrown in the deep end is that eventually, usually sooner rather than later, you do learn to swim.
Words by Jehane Lindley